The Reality of Sadness

Time: 6:56am
Mood: Sad.. and tired (f--k this jetlag!)
Song of the moment: Kaiser Chiefs - I Predict A Riot

I havn't updated this in ages I know... but I guess I've been either too busy or too consumed with dealing with life. I'm going through a difficult time right now. The day I got back from China is the day I found out what is really wrong with my pau pau. She has cancer. And there is nothing that me, the doctors or any medical treatments can do. She's already in the later stages. They can't pinpoint the exact location where it began, nor are they even bother going to find out. All I know is, it's invaded her bladder and intestinal tract. This time around it was really hard to leave HK, because in leaving, I had to say goodbye to my pau pau.. and it wasn't a "I'll see you next time I come to HK" goodbye.. it was goodbye, the last time I would probably ever see her alive. It was the hardest thing I had to do. The last time I saw her, her eyes.. the look of sadness. It's like we both knew this was goodbye, both of us were sad but didn't want to show it. Seeing her in that hospital bed, weak and tired... my heart broke. I'm very lucky Jimmy was with me when I found out, and he was there when I said goodbye to my grandmother. He's been my rock through this entire ordeal and I'm so thankful for that. I'm so glad she got to meet him too. She really likes him.. she told me she thinks Jimmy's a great guy.. very polite and sincere. I know she knows I'm going to be taken care of. Before I left, I gave her a hug, and told her to just be happy. The moment I left her hospital room I fell apart.

It was easier saying goodbye to my gung gung, which was strange because he's my world's most favorite person, and I thought it would be hard. But I think it's because my gung gung is scatterbrained and spent the whole night making me laugh (he spent the whole night talking nonsense.. at one point he told my uncle to f-off hahaha). I also gave him a hug before I left.. a hug I regretted not giving him when I left HK the last time I was there.

My mom is having a rough time dealing with it. 2 weeks ago one of her closest friends passed away from ovarian cancer. So it's been rough on my mom. And the fact that a couple of days after she found out her mother had cancer, my dad had to leave for HK to pick up my other grandparents (my grandfather got sick while in HK and my family thought it would be best if my dad came and escorted him home just to make sure he was ok during the flight). So my mom was pretty much alone. I was actually planning to stay in HK longer, but after having a talk w/ my uncle, I thought it would be best to go back home and keep my mom company.

I've never had to deal with this before. And I don't know how to deal w/ it. I guess there's no right or wrong way. I cry about it almost every day at least once. But it's getting better day by day. It helps that my mom's with me to deal w/ it and that Jimmy's there by my side. I feel so unmotivated to do anything right now but I know if my grandmother knew her condition was causing me to be in this state of mind she would be very upset. Plus I'm getting over this jetlag.. which I've believe it or not, never ever experience before :S I never get jetlag.. until now :P

I'm beginning to think this entry is getting a little long winded but I still have to write about my China trip (which was amazing by the way! The tour was excellent and it was partially due to the actual people on my tour.. they were are so great! We all got along so well!). Here are some of the highlights (and some pics!)

Shanghai

• Walking along The Bund during the day & at night.
• Taking a gazillion pics of the Pearl TV Tower.
• Nanjing Rd, the pedestrian street full of stores and restaurants.
• Being able to walk around and find random cultural experiences. I can't count the number of times I've walked in a park and found a group of people playing chinese instruments or a tai chi group or found a pedestrian street that brought be back into time to the 50's or 60's.
• Taking a ride to the Pudong area in the Psychadelic Bund Tunnel.. the cheesist tourst trap I've ever been on!
  

Suzhou

• The gardens.. althought it was gloomy and rainy (it was on my birthday too!) they were absolutely beautiful.
• Going to the water town of Zhou Zhuang and getting to ride a boat along the canals
• Taking an overnight train to Xi'an. It was fun :) Jimmy and I taught Deirdre and Kate to play Euchre.. and Kate just kept buying those huge cheap beers!

Xi'an

• Renting a two person bicycle with Jimmy and riding around the city wall (took us an hour and a half! What a huge wall!)
• Visiting the Terricotta Warriors museum.. it was spectacular! Definitely one of the highlights of the trip!
• The taxi ride to the train station: Natalie, Jimmy and I got into an illegal cab, and the cabbie only took us to the city walls (the train station was outside the city walls). 3 of us were pretty pissed so Natalie said not to pay the cabbie.. plus she was ripping us off anyway. We got out, yelled at her and started to walk away.. she chased ME down, grabbed me and started to yell at me.. she was probably telling me to pay. I was soo scared! But I yanked my hand away, yelled @ her in English and walked away. Freaky...

Beijing

• Visiting the Forbidden City and Tianamen Square the morning we got to Beijing. I loved Tianamen Square.
• Walking the Great Wall of China. It was mindblowing... that wall is massive!
  
• Visiting the Summer Palace, then meeting up with Rob afterwards (we almost didn't find him!!)
• Getting a traditional Chinese massage. Why havn't I gotten a massage before? 5 of us girls went: me, Ciara, Kate, Karen and Natalie; all of us were in the same room so we got to chat. Afterwards my feet were so comfortable.. I felt like I was walking on clouds!
• Watching Jimmy eat a fried scorpian.. yes a scorpian :S That crazy guy!
  
• Eating Peking Duck... soo goooood!
• Taking a tour of the Hutong area, and getting to play with kids at the local kindergarten.. the kids were absolutely adorable!

For more pics, click here. Just a warning.. there are over 600 pictures!